GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!

All I can say right now is that God is FAITHFUL!! More to come very soon......

Family

I need to post about my wonderful family...not just Nate and Benjamin but my extended family. They also have been on this journey with us through the ups and downs. They have seen my tears, heard my heart, and have encouraged me along the way. I know they are praying for this baby as much as we are and I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that. I guess I often take that for granted and I shouldn't. So, thank you--you know who you are, for your words of love and compassion, for your sensitivity in tough times and disappointment. You are special and I love you!

No real updates on the adoption front. Things are slow in our agency's office. However, God continues to do His thing! I am constantly amazed how He always picks up my pieces and sets me back on track. Wish I could tell you all that the manifestation of the answer to our prayers is here, but it's not. What I can tell you is that I know when we prayed for the first time over this baby, He answered our prayers. It is in His time.....I trust that. Can't really change my impatience....but I trust His timing!

Please pray with us.....

No News

No news...just wanted to blog briefly. Today we went to The Lost Sea in Tennessee. It was an incredible hike down 550 feet underground. WOW!!!! You have to stand in awe of God and His handiwork when you get to His creation. It was an adventure for Benjamin. Truly amazing. That's Who God is. He is amazing. Thankful for His mercy every day.

Please pray with us for our baby. I believe we will get our answer soon.

better

I'm better.....God does heal broken hearts. I am proof. Don't know what He has in store for us but even through all of this I have peace that He hasn't stopped working on our behalf. Over the past week or so, a song that I love has played over and over in my mind and my heart. Israel Houghton has a song entitled, "I Am Not Forgotten". So true, and I have held onto that truth. We are never forgotten. No matter what we are dealing with. That brings peace that does pass all of my understanding and I look around and find myself not just making it but thriving. God is faithful.

Please don't stop praying for our baby. I know it is soon. I BELIEVE it is soon.

So close....

So, on Monday we got the news that the mom we had been shown to decided to parent. Disappointment. But God restores. By the end of the week I was feeling strong again. Friday, the 3rd, mom, Benjamin, and I were shopping for our 4th celebration at church and I got the strangest call. The agency that we had been in contact with earlier in the week was calling asking if they could show our profile to a mom who had chosen a family but they had backed out of the deal. The mom was in labor as they were calling me and she didn't know that the family had chosen not to take the baby. My heart almost stopped. I couldn't believe that we might actually be getting our baby. So we immediately said yes, had a long conversation about the mom and dad of the baby, then we waited to hear back from the agency. The mom ended up with a c-section and a little boy. He is about a month early so he went straight to the nicu to be checked out. The social worker would be breaking the news to the mom and then showing our profile as well as another family's profile so she could choose. We were told we should hear something the next day. So, on Saturday the 4th after a very restless night we waited AND hosted Be Free at church. Finally word came. In my mind I was already making arrangements to travel, the baby would be ours on Monday according to that state's law, and I was trying all the while not to get my hopes up. However.......the birthmom who wants an open adoption, as do we, wanted the family to still live in her state. We do not. So as the email read, "_______ loves you but chose the family that lives here instead." Disappointment #2. 2 in one week. This news came as the festivities at church were in full swing. I went into autopilot and finished the day. But inside I was heartbroken again. No, neither of these babies were ever really ours but we were told with each one that the birthmom liked us. The agency each time were pretty certain that we would be chosen. But there is that human factor and we just don't know what a person will choose when push comes to shove. We weren't chosen. Today as I write this, I have not really emotionally recovered. We were so close....but not our time. I told Nate today as we drove to church that it is amazing that in one choice our hearts were broken but another family's dreams came true. And I know that when our time comes when our dreams are made reality it will probably break another family's heart to not be chosen. So, once again I am asking you to pray for all of these people we have known about in the past 3 weeks and more than anything please pray for OUR baby and his/her birthmom. I know God has promised and He holds the time in His hands. I can't figure out why this has happened this way. Why we have had 2 disappointments, why both of them happened within days of one another. It is so discouraging. But I have hope.......as Believers in the ONE TRUE GOD, we all have hope......

From Anxious to Disappointed

Just a short post to update......the birthmom decided not to follow through with adoption. She is going to keep her baby. Of course, not the news we wanted. Please continue to pray for her and this baby. According to the agency, she doesn't have any support system nor a good environment in which to raise the baby.
I also ask that while God works on my disappointed heart that you will continue to pray with us for OUR baby. The one God has created just for us to love. I know He has answered our prayers, I am just ready to see it!
Love you all.....

ANXIOUS

Well, we are closer to our dream than ever. Our profile was shown to 2 moms last week. One mom chose another family.....rejection never feels good. But the other mom is "strongly considering us" !!!!!!!!
She is expected to make a decision this week. She is due July 17th. Please pray that she is drawn to us and that she can feel the love we have to share, even though there are many miles between us. Just pray......

POSSIBLITIES

So, to cut to the chase.....we know that our profile book will be shown twice this week to 2 separate moms who each have due dutes within weeks. We are praying for God's favor as these moms meet us by reading our letters and seeing our pictures. PRAY, please PRAY that these moms will be drawn to us and the love God has placed in us for them and the baby. PRAY that we are chosen to raise one ( or why not both?!) of these babies. PRAY nothing stops this choice and that we finally get to hold our baby. PRAY.
It's my heart crying out to you to agree with us. We will hear something this week. PRAY that we get the most wonderful news!

I love summer!

Summer is such a fun time for us. Benjamin and I have been enjoying the pool and he is really getting good at swimming. He loves the water is not afraid of anything. It's so fun to watch him try new things! If I ever get really brave I will try to post pictures on here.

Please keep praying with us for our baby to come soon and for the birth mom as she views our profile. Pray that she will be drawn to the love that Jesus has placed in our hearts for the baby and for her. Pray that angels will protect our answer and pray that Satan will not be able to interfere!!!!

Happy Anniversary!!

Today my sweet husband and I have been married for 9 years! It is such a happy day for us. We have been through many ups and downs as any marriage does but I am so in love with this man! He truly completes me...yeah, yeah Jerry Maguire and cheesy but it is true. He is my best friend and he gets me. (Most of the time!) I thank God for a Godly man. He is such a gift!

Finished!

Have you ever broken a board with a simple kick? Well, today my karate-loving son did. It was amazing and I am so proud of what he has accomplished in his karate class. I didn't expect the board to be as big as it was, so I was a bit concerned about whether he really could do it. There was no need to worry! It was awesome! He doesn't seem like a little boy anymore. And, I guess he's not. Today was his last day of Pre-k so he is officially a "Kindergartner" Wow......I have so much to be thankful for.
No news yet about the adoption. God knows and we are trusting Him. Please continue to pray. There are some days I feel as though it will never happen and I get very discouraged. Other days are not so bad. My arms are ready and Nate wants to be a "new daddy" again. It's coming, please pray sooner and not later!!

Mother's Day

This weekend is one of my favorite times of year! I love Mother's Day now because being a mom was something I wanted for so long. It is so sweet now but it wasn't always. I remember longing to be a mom and dreading church that day because I couldn't stand and be recognized. The last Mother's Day before I became a mom was especially hard. We had been trying with no luck for several years and I was discouraged. 2 very special ladies knew my heartache and that morning they prayed with me. 2 months later I learned I was pregnant and the next Mother's Day I was holding my sweet Benjamin! God used those 2 women in my life to pray and bind their faith with me, even when I didn't feel like I had much faith and they believed God would open my womb. He is faithful! I had hoped desperately and have been praying that our second child would be in my arms this Mother's Day. It has been my prayer for the past 4 or so years that we would have our second, and third, and fourth child. ( that was our plan). I believe that our baby is out there. That he/she has been conceived and that a birthmother is trying to make an important decision. Please pray with me and Nate and Benjamin that she chooses an adoption plan and that she chooses us. I am ready to be a new mom again!

To those of you who are struggling with wanting to be a mom, try reading Psalm 113:9. It was the verse and the promise given to me when I needed comfort. Note that it says "CHILDREN". That's what I am holding onto. Even though I may not know you, I am praying for your longing heart to have children of your own. God is faithful.......
To the moms out there....Happy Mother's Day!!

Love!

I love my husband! Yesterday was a special day for Nate and I. We are in the process of preparing to teach our first Marriage Conference at Breakthrough. In order to focus our hearts we "went away" for a night to plan, pray, and have some fun together. I was so looking forward to our night away, with Benjamin at my mom's house it was a worry free night. To surprise me, Nate sent me flowers at school. My students (even the boys!) oohed and aahed. Of course, I melted. Who wouldn't? It is times like these that remind me just how much I love him and what it was like when we first fell in love. In the day to day we can forget this and lose focus on the important things God has placed in our lives. Our marriages can be one of the first things we neglect and take for granted. Nate and I are passionately in love....always have been, always will be. We have fun together. This is why we are so passionate about this conference. We want others to experience the kind of love for one another that God intends for us to have. If you are reading this and haven't made plans to come, you need to. Invest in your marriage. It's the best investment you can make!

Please keep praying for our baby and the birthmom. We anxiously await the call! Our arms long for our little one so pray it is soon!!!

Nothing to say

Wish I had something to say but I don't. I know that sounds awfully negative...sorry. This is truly the hardest part. We are simply waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
But while waiting, we are loving each other every day. I believe I am the richest woman in the world. I have an incredible husband and son who light up my world. This makes me rich!
Please don't stop praying this little life into our arms. We want him/her so desperately!

He Lives!

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful Easters I have ever experienced. It was a special day for us at Breakthrough and we worshipped our Savior! It was truly incredible. While I don't have all the answers I would like to have...like why we are still unable to have another baby and why we still haven't been chosen for adoption I know that I know that God is in control and that Jesus had me on His mind when He died on that cross. It doesn't get any more personal than that! He lives!!!

Benjamin memorized a verse for church yesterday as all the children shared during the service. It was so amazing to see him and hard to believe that he is big enough to share scripture. He continues to amaze us though and now his mind is constantly going and the questions he comes up with often challenge Nate and I when we try to answer them. Wednesday night after church Benjamin was upset. It took awhile for me to get to the real reason he was acting this way. Finally he said he was upset because he didn't have a brother or sister. He said, "Why is it taking so long? We prayed about this..." Well, what could I say? I wonder the same thing everyday. All I could do was sit and hold him while he cried and tell him that all we could do was pray and believe. Tears were slipping out of my eyes and there wasn't much I could do. Being sad and disappointed is real and in that moment I believe God showed me that while I have been trying so hard to keep Benjamin from feeling this way about the adoption taking time, it is the reality. Of course the danger is in sitting there and stewing in all of those emotions....many people do and believe me it is tempting but because I serve a mighty God who has a clear plan and purpose I choose and Nate chooses and we are teaching Benjamin to choose to live expectantly. We ARE going to have our baby. God promised and He cannot lie. We heard clearly that our family WILL increase. I know I am a mommy of many...Benjamin IS a big brother. Satan you are defeated!!!!
So, my friends, please pray fervently for our baby. I told Nate that I want to hold my precious baby and he/she be ours by Mother's Day! Maybe you say wishful thinking...I see it as faith, the evidence of things hoped for. THE CRIB IS READY!

Updates

We had a wonderful Disney trip and it was such a great time to enjoy our family! Maybe if my more blog savvy friend helps me I will post some pictures! We will see! We still havn't heard anything about our adoption. I honestly was praying that while we were experiencing the Disney magic we would receive the call that a mom wanted to meet us. Not God's timing.

A very good friend has been praying for her future babies and now has given us names to attach to the prayers. What a great idea and it is an honor to pray for them by name. I am selfishly gonna steal her idea--not her names !!!
When we receive our sweet baby or babies their names will be Canaan William or Charis Lorraine. I'm asking that you pray with us too for our children by name. God wants us to pray with purpose so that is why I am going to be more specific. It is time that Satan is defeated and that these children whether by birth or adoption are brought into our lives so that we may praise His works from our generation to the next. Nate and I want to raise children who know God and have a personal relationship with Jesus. We are declaring this generation to be HIS!!! Let God be exalted and the enemy scattered!!!
Thanks for praying specifically with me for the birthmom to choose life and to choose us. Pray for Canaan or Charis or both, and pray for us that our home will be prepared and our hearts ready for one of the greatest gifts ever!

the big 5

My little baby is five years old!!!!! It is so hard to believe that 5 years ago today we brought Benjamin home after a 3 day extra stay in the NICU. I remember that day he was finally "ours" and we were completely responsible for him. It was incredible! Today, 5 years later, it is more than awesome. I am the most blessed mom in the world. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and I'm looking forward to getting away with my family over spring break. We thought we might have had our new baby by this point so we had made tentative arrangements for our vacation with a little one but it looks as though it will be the 3 of us. This may be the last family vacation the way we are now. That's something to think about. I have learned or maybe I am still learning that I should soak in the now and while it is good to look ahead to the future and plan and dream that I should not get so lost in the future that I miss how great the present is! It is priceless!
Please keep praying for our baby, the birthmother, that she will choose life for her baby and that she will choose us to raise this precious child. (Also pray that it happens very soon!!!)

It's a No

Doesn't sound too promising of a title does it? Well, I guess maybe it's not. I had wanted to be able to write that Shaohannah's Hope, the non-profit where we applied for an adoption grant, had granted us money. We received a letter of regret yesterday in the mail---disappointment---yes. While I know that God is our Provider and He alone knows what is best for us, this to me seemed like it would be what He would choose. Our hopes were high since we had made it to the second round, so to receive a no was a huge let down. Through this, as through much of the past 8 years, God has reminded me that His ways are not my ways. I love that and I hate that. My ways are the only "ways" I understand and get to control. I want my ways to line up more and more with His ways. When they don't it's not that I am disappointed in God -I'm disappointed in me. Maybe none of that makes sense. All I know is that God is God. If I were God I would have made a mess of things long ago, so I trust Him. It's my impatience and frustration and instant gratification personality that get in the way. Help me Lord, with that one. So, grant money will not come from that avenue but my Father has more riches than I can imagine. He is in control. He has chosen the right baby for our family and He will provide for that precious child and for us. I just can't wait until we get the "yes" after having so many years of "no". Pray with me for this baby, for its birth mom, and for Amazing Grace Adoptions as they minister, discern, and place children into forever homes.

Slumping

This week at Desire Worship I spoke about being Lukewarm like the church at Laodicea (Rev. 3). God had been showing me many things that I was to share with the ladies. It was a word especially for me. We tend to get comfy or maybe just complacent in our lives. We find the rut and it is easiest to just stay there. I was challenged by God's word and I hope the ladies were too. Are you slumping? At this time of year we tend to be breathing easier because we've made it through the holidays but spring is a long way off still. For me, I feel like the momentum of this adoption has waned and it too seems a long way off. We have no guarantees of a time frame which is so difficult at times but on the flip side-I know God holds the perfect plan. Each day I have to choose not to get bogged down by remaining in cruise control. You know, when we stay on cruise control we think we can dodge feeling disappointment because we aren't "passionate" about the things going on in our life. I don't know about you, but I don't want to stay on cruise control. I want to be passionate about the life God has given me. It is truly a gift. Nothing can transform my mind like Hi s word- so my challenge is to go even deeper in what He is trying to say to me. What about you? God says in Revelation 3 that because the people were lukewarm He wanted to vomit them out! I want to please God with my actions AND my faith. So, I choose to live passionately for Him in all areas of my life and to allow Him to increase my faith for this baby to come soon!

Snow to Spring?!?!

Hard to believe that just last week it was snowing but now this week we are experiencing temps in the 60s! Wow! I'm ready for spring! No adoption updates, but we are expecting a baby soon! Please continue to pray with us for the birthmother and our sweet baby. We are also hoping to hear something soon about the grant as well. We are praying for favor!
Thanks for agreeing with us in prayer!

Horton Hatches an Egg

Well, Benjamin has completed his first school project (with mom and dad's help)! For the 100th day of school he will dress as Horton the Elephant! He's so cute! While we are somewhat hoping for snow tomorrow we are also hoping for a school day --the 100th day to be exact. Hard to believe.....
No adoption news if you all were wondering. Keep praying for the birthmother to choose us and for our baby. I'm ready to see him/her!

Report Cards

Benjamin got his second report card today. It was one of those moments where you hold your breath as you begin to look and then you slowly let it out as you see that your child's teacher thinks your child is as great as you think he is. The areas that he needed to work on all got "improving" marks and he had so many satisfactory and very satisfactory marks. We are proud. He's a smart and fun little boy. Just the way he should be! We are so blessed!

Karate

So today Benjamin tried something new....karate. He had told us emphatically that he didn't want to play t-ball again this year. "It's boring" were the exact words. He's not old enough for coach pitch so we offered soccer for the spring. He was very excited about this until we got a pamphlet in the mail from The Little Gym. They teach karate. He had his trial class today and loved it. We got him all set up and committed for the next few months. I was amazed watching him listen to two black belt instructors and then do what they demonstrated. I had previously told him that he would probably not get to do any activities on the equipment, or break any wood, or kick anything but he was thrilled that I was wrong about it all. He used the equipment, he kicked a target, and he will get to break wood at the end of the course. WOW!! The best part was that they have to promise after each class not to use the karate they learn on their family, friends, or pets. That was our rule too! Maybe I'll try my hand at putting some pictures on here. That'll be huge for me...but maybe!

Small steps

Hi! Benjamin is feeling so much better from the last time I blogged. His ears are healing!
I wanted to ask for your prayers as I know you are so faithful to pray. We have no news about our baby, but we did get some good news. One of the places we applied to for an adoption grant has contacted us for more detailed information. This means that we have at least moved on to the next level of the process so we are currently completing the paperwork. Please pray that God's favor will fall on us because we could use the financial assistance. God is good and it makes my heart race thinking that we are that much closer to seeing this dream come true!!!!

"My ears Hurt"

Not the words you want to hear from your little guy while eating dinner. But, truth be told, I wasn't surprised after watching him endure the head cold he had last week. So, at 6:15 tonight we walked into the pediatrician's office where Benjamin was asked which ear hurt more. He said the left one so the doctor looked in the right one. We were told it was "a little red" so Benjamin proceeded to say, "then this one (pointing to his left) is really red". We all chuckled at that and sure enough he was spot on. So, double ear infection but amoxicillin is great and he should be better soon. Poor guy. But we avoided the screaming through the night (I HOPE:) because my very expressive son told us how he felt. WOW!! God is so good that our insurance is doing a promotion this month and all generic drugs have no copay. Free meds!!!! Praise God in all things!!!

2009

Happy New Year! It's hard to believe it's 2009. It seems just like yesterday that we were all waiting for the world to end when 1999 became 2000. We've come a long way baby!!! We quietly rang in the new year last night in Tennessee. We watched Carolina play and win and then we watched Times Square go crazy. Big night! I went to bed so thankful for a great year of change and anticipating a new year with many changes coming. I can confidently say that our family will be one larger in the year 2009. No, we haven't gotten "that" phone call yet, but I know that this baby is coming. It's strange sometimes thinking about being a new mom again but realizing how different that will be than when we had Benjamin. No recovery from a C-Section so more involvement from the very beginning. Benjamin says things like, "when the baby is here I'll teach him to..." He's very excited and initiates conversations about the baby on his own. I love that because God is preparing his little heart to not only love a new baby but also to become the big brother. He has always been very independent but we see now that he is stretching his wings to fly more and more. He will be 5 in 3 months......sniff, sniff.
It will be a very happy 2009!